Standing on stage in front of XFactor judges Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne, Louis Walsh and Nicole Scherzinger Belfast singer Hayley Norton oozes confidence.
But behind the confident exterior Hayley, 21, has a daily battle with anxiety and depression that has plagued her since childhood.
Hayley shot to fame on the ITV talent show when she auditioned with her mum Debye Gaskin, 40.
The duo, better known as Descendance became the centre of a media storm after judges suggested Debye should stand aside to let her daughter progress on the show alone.
Last week their dramatic split, watched by millions, left everyone with their own opinions on the mother/daughter relationship.
As they stood on stage speechless as Simon Cowell told the pair Hayley could proceed through bootcamp on her own an emotional Debye struggled to pull herself together whilst Hayley’s anxiety set in.
She revealed: “Whilst I’ve tried to avoid a lot of the negative comments since our split some of them have just been unavoidable as they’re being written on our own music pages.
“I know people think my mum held on too long and should have left when Sharon first suggested that we should consider a split but I don’t agree.
“They didn’t actually tell us that progressing to the next stage was dependant on a split so I didn’t see why we should, we came as a duo and we got in front of the judges as a duo.
“We joked about it happening, we’ve watched the show long enough to know how some things play out. I knew when the time came my mum would step aside if she had to, I never had any doubt about that.
“It hurts me to see people treat her the way they are, people who don’t know her, people who don’t know what she did to get us there in the first place. Those people can’t possibly know what it was like for us on that stage.
“I’m so proud of my mum, it must have been a tough thing to take in. People should remember it was her dream too and although she would do anything for me she had a right to have time to process all of her emotions.”
Viewers of the show last week watched the pair breakdown as Debye struggled to compose herself and Hayley fought to help her focus.
But Hayley worries that what people saw was not what was actually happening.
“The thing that people are focusing on is me saying ‘please’, I know it seems like I am begging her and in a way I was. It wasn’t because I thought she would say “no” it was because I was consumed by fear” she explained.
“My mum was not just dealing with the personal heartache of her journey ending but the excitement and pride of her daughter being given the opportunity to move forward. People probably don’t know this but my mum is an emotional woman, it’s one of the things I love about her, she wears her heart firmly on her sleeve.
“It must have been so tough for her to take in, it was heartbreaking for me too. I know on camera I stood and I begged but it’s because my anxiety had set in, I panicked. Since I was about 11 or 12 I always wanted to sing, by the time I was in my mid-teens I let go of that dream thinking it would never happen. But thanks to my mum my dream was once again alive and I realised at that moment in time that everything I had ever wanted was within my grasp.
“I could feel my 12-year-old self crying out, I realised at that moment just how much I really wanted it. I hate that it looks like I’m begging my mum to let go, that wasn’t the case.
“Deep down I knew my mum would be walking away. Afterall it was my mum that encouraged me to pursue XFactor. Originally a few years back we auditioned separately and then the producers put us together. When we got through to the judges as a duo we were both determined to make it, to get further than before in the competition.”
Despite her battle with anxiety and depression Hayley is excited about her prospects for the future.
“XFactor has given me a new lease of life” she said.
“I won’t let my illnesses stop me pursuing my dream.”
Looking back Hayley can pinpont the first signs of anxiety to her childhood but because she didn’t know what was happening no one knew what she was going through.
She said: “I started feeling anxious as a child, even just sitting getting my hair done would make me feel weird. If I had nothing to do I would get restless but most of it was internal.
“My stomach would go into horrible knots, it was awful, but I didn’t know it wasn’t normal so I didn’t tell anyone.”
And throughout her teens and into adulthood the anxiety began to take hold as depression set in.
“The anxiety is so bad that for example, if I got into a taxi and the driver was driving too fast and it made me nervous I’m not able to ask him to slow down. I remember when this happened to me I just sat in the back completely frozen in fear, unable to speak and panicking.
“With the depression I believe it started when I was around 12 years old. I started feeling really down and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t understand why no one else seemed to feel like me, why did everyone else seem ok.
“By my mid teens I had begun drinking and doing stupid things. I have a back problem that I had been getting medication for and I remember badly abusing the painkillers. I would take several tablets and just lie on my bedroom floor completely spaced out, I thought that if I couldn’t feel anything I would be ok.”
Eventually after ending up in hospital Hayley finally began talking to people about how she was feeling and doctors started to take her conditions seriously.
Now, with the correct medication and coping mechanisms she is finally putting her life back together and reaching for the stars.
“Going to hospital was a breakthrough for me. It was a turning point in my life” said Hayley.
“I realised that I had to take control and take the right medication. I’ve learned to maintain my illnesses, I can now identify when things are going wrong and I have coping strategies that I use to get through.
“I feel that now I am more proactive about what I want out of life.”
Tonight Hayley’s dreams of XFactor glory were shattered as Sharon Osbourne told her she wouldn’t be getting a seat in the 6-chair challenge. But that won’t stop her chasing her dream.
She said: “I love singing and missing out on a chair won’t stop me pursuing my dream.”
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