It’s just four weeks into my baby’s life and I have already forgotten what life was like before I became a new mother.
From the moment I got pregnant I was inundated with nuggets of advice from mothers, grandmothers, nurses, doctors…basically anyone who thought I would listen.
To be fair a great majority of it was useful stuff, some of it was sheer madness. But there were a few things that seemingly don’t get talked about – or at least they don’t seem to me.
Here are 5 things no one warned me about:
- You get milked like a cow
The midwife, your mum, your sister, your doctor and your health visitor have all had a go at milking you when nothing seemed to be happening. Anyone else want a go? … and of course the minute a man has a squeeze there I guarantee he’ll get squirt in the face.
- Burps and farts are cause for celebration
I was on the phone to my friend when I noticed baby’s face change like she was in pain…then suddenly the largest longest fart I’d ever heard in my life came out of this little tiny person followed by the most joyous smile. I was so happy she was free of the discomfort I praised her for getting that out and gave her a kiss. My friend now wants the same treatment.
- You transform into Gollum from Lord of the rings
Not only does the lack of sleep in the first couple of weeks have you look like him, but when you’re expected to share your little one’s cuddles with other people… though on the outside you are smiling, on the inside you are counting the seconds baby is out of your arms, and you are already imagining all the hiding places you could go after to make sure your precious is all yours from now on never to be shared again…
- Conversation and pretty much every song you sing… is about baby
I got baby on the brain, baby on the brain, E I E I O, baby on the brain! I had a date – that’s right, being pregnant and having a baby doesn’t mean the end of romance. Well, the conversation went a little like this “baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby”. For some reason I didn’t hear from him again.
- Hormoans!
I cried because the ice-skating was so beautiful, I cried because I heard a baby crying, I cried because the ocean is so beautiful and then I realised that life is so beautiful and so is my baby. Since these are all tears of happiness I’m not sure if it falls under the category of baby blues… so can we invent a new version, like baby woohoo’s? baby happy cues? Baby orange? Orange ya glad ya had me mama? Haha… I need sleep.