When it comes to parenting I certainly don’t want to tell anyone how to do it, especially since having a five year old myself seemingly doesn’t count for many people – apparently he’s not old enough for me to have any real experience.
But dealing with Logan and his quirks isn’t all the experience I have. As the oldest of seven children with the youngest being 16 years younger than I, it’s fair to say I’ve spent many years around them.
Countless times I’ve ended up in a heated discussion about the rights and wrongs of smacking children, and no matter how hard I try to understand, comprehend or sympathise with the notion that “smacking”, “slapping”, “tapping” or “hitting” a child is ok I just can’t.
Now, it’s important for me to be very clear here. I’m not vilifying people who smacked their children, nor do I wish to offend those who currently do it – I’m not judging you, I’m simply presenting an alternative solution.
Most people who know me know I am vehemently against violence of any kind, the few times in my life (around my teenage years) where I got into a fight were always in defence of someone else. Call me an old hippy at heart but I just cannot fathom why anyone would consider violence an option in the resolution of any conflict.
When it comes to children I’m even clearer on my position. There is nothing in this world that can make it right to intentionally hurt a child. And, before anyone says it or thinks it “a tap” or a “smack on the bum” or legs still constitutes “hurt” whether it was bearable or not.
I’m not beyond reproach. My own brothers and sisters will tell you that as a babysitting teenager I resorted to “smacking” on a few occasions when the stress of trying to control a pile of children consumed me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not admitting to beating my brothers and sisters…but I won’t lie and pretend I didn’t break my own belief in non-violence in a moment of complete frustration and loss of control. I never harmed them, from what I know they hold no animosity towards me (we’re very close) and I certainly didn’t do it regularly or a lot, we’re talking a handful of times over the period of maybe four or five years.
The guilt I became consumed with was horrific. The shame in the pit of my stomach is and was real and the remorse ongoing. It wasn’t a solution, regardless of how much a bunch of kids can get up to in a short space of time, there was absolutely no excuse for it.
There was, however, a reason. Whilst I was a very mature teenager and capable of dealing with a lot more than most my age I simply didn’t have the tools by which to deal with my own loss of control. The issue wasn’t the children being children, messing around, having fun, being curious and getting into a bit of trouble. The problem was how I coped with my reactions.
Interestingly, these experiences helped to shape the person I am today. I am still the hippy deep down I was back then, I haven’t changed much except I am now equipped with a stronger sense of self. More self confidence and a better understanding of how to appropriately behave, act and react in stressful or confrontational situations.
For me the answer was simply education, learning and gaining a deeper understanding of myself. As an adult I know that violence has no place in conflict resolution – whether in relation to unruly children or in political disagreements.
If we can equip our children with some simple tools of self expression, self control and emotional awareness we can help them to develop a better awareness of action and consequence. If we, as adults, make time to educate ourselves in the most effective ways to resolve conflict without resorting to violence then we can help to nurture our children using positive reinforcement rather than negative disciplinary measures.
I’m an advocate for learning mindfulness, by changing just a few thought processes we can turn a negative reaction into a positive reaction each time. I’m not saying we shouldn’t discipline our children – they must learn right from wrong, I’m simply suggesting there may be another method.
If hitting another person is a crime, then hitting your child is a crime too.
What the experts say?
The debate on whether or not “smacking” children has negative outcomes or not isn’t a new topic. It’s been going on for many years.
In 1979 Sweden became the first country to ban smacking, since then 52 other states around the world have followed suit. In October 2017 Scotland became the first country in the United Kingdom to outlaw “spanking” of children. Now Wales has gone into public consultation to discuss whether they should ban it too.
There’s been a great deal of research done on why you shouldn’t – The New Scientist summed it up well on their website, here is some of those findings in a nutshell:
1. It is believed that parents who smack their children are less likely to have a good relationship with them.
2. Research shows that children who are spanked are more likely to experience emotional and physical and neglect.
3. Studies have shown that children who are smacked are more likely to go on to be aggressive themselves.
4. People who were smacked as children are also at a higher risk of having low self-esteem, depression or alcohol dependency.
5. Last year American psychiatrists claimed spanking was so harmful it should be considered an “adverse childhood experience”, alongside neglect and having a parent in prison.