Life Through My Eyes- Jennifer, 41, County Antrim
The Struggle of Life After Abuse
This is the story of a woman from Northern Ireland, who would like to keep their name and area anonymous so they have been changed for the purpose of this interview. Jennifer tells us her story about the awful difficulties she has faced.
DK: What are the issues which you face in your life?
She answered saying that she suffers from,
H: ‘Depression, low self esteem, anxiety & panic attacks’
When did these begin?
She responded,
‘The depression & low self esteem began after sexual trauma as a child.’
‘Then again after a rape at age 17.’
‘The anxiety and panic attacks after a violent sexual trauma age 40.’
How did these start to effect your daily life?
Jennifer replied,
‘In day to day life these things make me hold back from things I want in my career and personal life, as those experiences left me feeling tarnished/ not good enough/ damaged and generally unworthy.’
I guess it affects a lot of my decisions in that I don’t go after things I want as I believe I’m not good enough to receive them, especially in my career and opening up to being in a relationship.
I’ve also stayed in the closet as I fear what the reaction will be. This, I guess keeps the depression near as I’m really not being true to myself. It’s something I think about most days.’
‘When was the worst point of your life?
‘The worst points of my condition were when I went to a cliff top commit suicide, and an attempted overdose.
‘These were driven by years of thinking about the sexual trauma I experienced as a child.
‘I spent many years using alcohol to try to numb the pain of that and as many survivors do, engaged in regular promiscuous behaviour sometimes putting my own safety at risk.’
What helped you cope with these conditions?
She answered,
‘The first thing that helped was when I discovered meditation years ago, to help try to quiet the constant mind chatter. I’m a songwriter so that really lets me express what i need to in an environment that feels safe and It was only in the last couple of years when I sought sexual trauma counselling that I really started to heal and recover. This specific counselling released a lot of anger and unintentionally I started drinking less too.’
How are you currently coping?
‘No one is ever completely 100% healed and so I have my good and bad days. Mostly good but I’m still having to dedicate a lot of time to trying to conquer the confidence and self worth issues that have been with me since. Again I find meditation and guided hypnosis has helped me with this.’
Finally I asked ‘What advice would you give to someone else suffering from this condition?’
‘I would say talk to other people with the same issues, build a support network of people with the same experiences who understand, but most of all I cannot recommend enough that survivors seek the specific counselling for this.
It’s honestly been life changing for me and every single man or woman who has been through these kinds of experience deserve that positive life changing experience I’ve had.
Do it today! It won’t be easy at times but I promise you, it will absolutely be worth doing.
You deserve happiness too!’